Grieving for your pet: the hardest decisions to make

Many pet owners understand the pain and difficulty in making that final decision to set your pet free from his/her pain. Sometimes the decision is taken out of our hands (like an accident), or when going for a general checkup, as we did with Gordon and discovering that he was extremely unwell, but most of the time we have noticed a general decline in our “child” the older they get. Our connection and bond with this precious pet can make this decision one of the most difficult we ever face.

There are some guidelines that can help. The fundamental guideline, to do what is right for our pet, can be a hard pill to swallow for the owner because we know it is going to cause us some suffering. With Gordon we could have spent a lot of money on an operation that had a poor success prognosis and still have had to put him to sleep. Our prime consideration was the welfare of Gordon.  Did we really want to put him through the trauma of being separated from us for at least a week, the trauma of surgery, and then still find we would have to choose to euthanize at the end?

How did we make the decision? After being told what was wrong we discussed options with our vet. We were ready to go into debt to pay for the necessary operation, hospital stay, and whatever else was needed. The vet was willing to carry through with our preference but we stopped to ask what their professional opinion was. Yes it was unexpected, a shock, and very difficult.

However you have reached this point of having to make such a decision it is never easy, and definitely not painless, but how do you come to choose?     :Consider the quality of life for your pet
:whether it is a terminal condition, serious injury, or malignancy
:is your pet in pain? (this is difficult to gauge because animals will not always show they are in pain because of their instincts)
:are there treatment options?
:can your pet get comfortable?
:is it still eating, drinking, and grooming?
:is my pet tired, lethargic or withdrawn?
:if it is a behavioural problem – have you considered and explored other options for dealing with this – such as expert advice?
:and finally is your pet unaware of its surrounding, unresponsive to affection and uninterested in life?

On reaching a decision about this the next step is deciding whether you want to be present during the euthanasia. This is definitely a difficult personal choice but the vet can help you. If you are able to control your pain and grief then it is a good option. If your emotions are uncontrollable and you cannot stop your tears then you are likely to upset your pet during the process. You may choose to do this alone or have a friend or family member with you.

Then there will be the question about what you want to do with your pet’s body.

Options are leaving your pet at the clinic for disposal; burying him/her at home; burying him/her at a pet cemetery; cremating your pet and scattering his/her ashes at their favourite spot or even keeping them in a decorative urn.

For us we decided to have Gordon cremated so that we can scatter his ashes on his favourite spots around the backyard. We also have an orange tree that is a commemoration tree for previous loved ones and we will sprinkle some of his ashes here. We will do our own little service and while we know the grief this will cause it will help us say our final goodbyes.

Some people may want to replace their pet straight away. While this is a personal choice it is not always the right option. You will be going through you own grief and loss so time is needed to work through that before building relationship with another pet. Challenges that may occur if you replace your pet too soon are resenting your new pet for trying to take the place of the other one; you may have feelings of disloyalty to your previous pet – this is important for children in particular; comparisons will be too easily made; and really your heart just won’t be in it, or ready for the time and effort a new pet will need from you.

When you do finally decide to adopt, or buy, a new family member try not to get a look-alike pet or give it a similar name or nickname.

It is important to avoid comparing the two. Allow your new precious bundle a chance to develop his/her own personality. It will be difficult allowing this new pet into your heart but, with your choice to move forward and through the antics of your new “baby”, once again those paw prints will be left on your heart.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR PRECIOUS FRIEND

A little plaque I have states that cats leave paw prints on your heart.

How true that statement is!

But there comes a time that I am sure none of us like to think about. However for me it has been more recent, and unexpected, than I would like. Gordon was not with us very long but I am comforted knowing that he had 5 months of absolute love and devotion.

We do not welcome such facts about life easily but it is, as mentioned, a fact of life.

Hopefully this little blurb will help anyone currently experiencing such grief as well as providing some help for others yet to experience this challenge.

Firstly I want to ensure everyone that the grief is REAL.

A little plaque I have states that cats leave paw prints on your heart.

I’m sure for many of you that have different family members you feel the same way about them.

Do not let anyone, yourself included, belittle the impact such an experience has on your heart. Allow yourselve to grieve as you need to.

We will all experience this stage differently and that is fine.

Secondly, be aware that if you have other animals they may also go through a grieving time.

It is true that some will not, for various reasons, and you need to be aware that even animals will grieve in different ways just as us humans do.

The sudden absence of another family member, someonewho is familiar to your pet does cause some distress. They may become withdrawn or clingy and it is up to you how you personally deal with this. For me the presence of Fleur has been a balm, to a degree but it has also been, and still is, another barb to the pain I am already feeling. How do I explain to our little girl that her playmate and big brother will not be back?

Her presence that first night was comforting as she cuddled up close for the whole night. The second night she had withdrawn a little as I believe she had started realizing during the day that her brother was not around.

That evening she had run around to all Gordon’s usual places and not found him.

This morning, the second day of his departure, watching  her still look for him just breaks my heart.

There is a sadness in her eyes that tugs at me constantly but the best I can do is try to give her some normalcy – such as playing with her, cuddling her, and telling her how precious and loved she is.

I don’t know if animals actually understand what we say to them but from my experiences with my pets I believe they are a lot more intelligent than we give them credit for. There were many moments when Fleur was  younger that, when playing, the toy would get stuck or be too high up.

I would tell Gordon to go help his little sister and he would do just that – Fleur would continue with her play while Gordon sat close by sometimes watching, sometimes joining in, and often helping out. Other times I would play hide-and-seek with both of them and their toy. After telling them where it was they would find it. I’m sure you all have similar stories about how intelligent your pet friends are!

Finally, find a way to express your feelings. Write poetry, draw, talk about your loved one to others, or write them a letter. If this precious little bundle has been such a huge part of your life and you are feeling like you can’t get over it, I suggest getting in contact with a counsellor and working through your grief.

If that sounds a little too overboard then phoning a group like Lifeline is available.

Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed about needing such help – they will understand the extent of grief that accompanies such a sad time.

Lifeline is a 24 hour counselling service: local call charges; 13 11 14 or visit their website www.lifeline.org.au

For now this is as much as I can write about this experience but future posts will have more information that may help with making a decision to euthanize your pet or not, adopting another pet straight away or waiting, burial arrangements, and more on how you can look after yourself through this grieving process.

My heart truly goes out to all of you who may be going through this experience now, or in the past, and even to those who will meet this point in the future.

I know Gordon is now at peace. I know Gordon knew how much I loved him. I Believe, regardless of what others may say that he is somewhere wonderful with my other pets that have gone before: playing, running, sleeping, and swapping stories about “mum”.